Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.