For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
greetings!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.