[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.