[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?