Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is