the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you