This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement