Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
You Might Also Like
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Seems kinda suspicious
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.