One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?