Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat