“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.