A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
And now we wait
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far