Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.