Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.