I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
You Might Also Like
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Milk Cube
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My beach vacation Google searches
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”