*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me