I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot