All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are