Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Great acting.. 😂
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.