Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.