Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.