[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.