Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Breaking news:
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.