Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Wake me when AI does housework
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.