Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
who will stop them
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Free him
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year