WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“What?”
– Jude
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.