it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.