*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Rt to bother an English speaker
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
yall want some gasoline milk
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*