I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.