[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.