Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Saturday
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.