the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
San Francisco has too many rules
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.