Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.