I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?