Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Jogging
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”