Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
anyone else like Italian cereal
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sniffing the broccoli
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction