Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Autocorrect completely socks
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Oh hi lol
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …