My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?