Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Shark week, but for squirrels.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.