ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
This guy’s not having it 😆
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.