[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
You Might Also Like
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.