I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
You Might Also Like
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
HERE’S MARKY
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*