Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
much to think about
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible