Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…