“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?