[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.