Home is where your toilet is.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
never ask a starfish for directions
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.