Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.