2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
You Might Also Like
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.