Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.